They hadn't done anything wrong. Why should they be punished too?
So off they went.
Rory, Larry, and Sara all started walking the streets of Chicago with nothing but their clothes on their backs, some sleeping bags, and a few dollars. They stayed in shelters and just tried to stay out of trouble.
One day they were passing a store and Sara spotted a pair of tennis shoes that she just had to have. She begged Rory, “Please, please, please! Can you buy me those? They are pretty cheap and mine are falling apart.”
I can't say no. I'm the reason why she is out here on the streets. She's so beautiful and caring. She deserves some new shoes at the very least.
There was a park across the street, so Rory left Larry with Sara to keep an eye on her in the park while he went to get the shoes. After a few minutes, Larry noticed Rory was waving for him to come into the shoe store. Sara was reading a book and Larry didn’t want to disturb her, so he left her in the park. What possibly could go wrong?
While Sara was reading, she felt a little tap on her shoulder. When she turned, she saw a sweet little girl. “Excuse me, lady, could you help me find my mom?” Of course Sara felt horrible for the lost little girl, so she put down her book on the bench and followed the little girl deeper into the park, hand in hand.
Little did Sara know, this was all a big trick. Waiting in the park was Rex, a well known pimp from the West. Rex was charming but very deceiving. Most feared Rex. He had come to Chicago to find beautiful women to bring back with him. Sara tried to run away but Rex had already grabbed her. As Rex was dragging her towards his van, Sara dropped her scarf to leave behind for Rory and Larry to find.
After a few minutes, Rory and Larry finally left the shoe store after bartering with the employee. Rory told Larry, "I can't wait to see the look on her face when we give her these shoes!" When they got to the park bench, they found Sara's book, but no Sara. They looked around frantically and asked a few people in the park but no one had seen anything. Finally, one elderly woman said that she had seen Rex take her. About that time Larry noticed her scarf laying on the ground. Rory didn’t know what to do except cry.
I did this. This is my fault. She wouldn't have been out here in the first place if it wasn't for me.
Larry tried to comfort him but it didn’t help. After searching for hours, they decided that they couldn't do this on their own. They walked to the police station to report what had happened. None of the officers seemed to believe them or care because of their homeless appearance. As they were leaving the station, frustrated, one officer, Jason, spoke up and told them he would help because he used to be a friend of their family. As he was grabbing his gear, Jason told Rory and Larry, "Stay put for today. Don't get yourselves into any trouble. I will send someone from the station to let you know if I find out anything."
Larry and Rory waited nervously back at the shelter to hear and finally after a few hours one of Jason’s buddies came and picked them up. They were scared something had happened to Sara but the officer said, "Unfortunately, Jason didn't find Sara."
Larry asked, "Well if he didn't find her, then where are you taking us?"
The officer replied, "Jason did find Rex, but it didn't go well. Jason is in pretty bad shape. He asked me to come pick you guys up and bring you to him. He has some information about where she might have been taken."
So he took them to the hospital to see Jason. Jason had found Rex but when he confronted him, Rex shot him and beat him up pretty bad. Jason ended up passing away that night from his injuries, but before he did, he told the guys that he heard Rex was taking Sara to L.A. The boys packed their few things and started heading West.
To be continued…
Bibliography
Public Domain Ramayana, link to the reading online.
Author's Note
In the original story, Rory was Rama, Larry was Lakshmana, they were princes instead of normal folk in Chicago, and Sara was Sita, still the beautiful wife of Rama but she was a princess. Rex was Ravana, a demon, Rakshasa King of Lanka. Darius was King Dasharatha, still Rama and Lakshmana's father. Also, Jason was Jatayu, a demi-god in the form of a vulture that was a friend of King Dasharatha. In the original tale, Sita saw a beautiful deer that she wanted and sent Rama to fetch it (like the shoes) but the deer was actually a rakshasa trying to trick them. The rakshasa tricked Lakshmana into thinking that Rama was hurt and needed him, so he left Sita unprotected. Ravana disguised himself as a sage to lead Sita away and trick her. He then turned into his true self and fled with her (like Rex, the pimp). Sita dropped her jewelry secretly as they traveled to leave clues behind for Rama and Lakshmana to find her (the scarf). Jatayu tried to save Sita but ended up getting hurt and passing (like the officer, Jason). All in all, the story is fairly similar but was changed to fit a more modern scene and simplified to be an easier (and shorter) read. I chose this part of the Public Domain Ramayana because I have always liked the damsel in distress stories. I picked this image because it pictures the main conflict of the story (Sara being led away from the park bench and taken). I thought about ending the story this week, but decided to keep reading the Public Domain Ramayana (Part C and D) and see how the original story ends. So I guess we will all have to see how the story ends next week!
I love the alternate universe you created! (I had to read your author’s note first to understand completely understand who was who.) But I thought it was clever how you related and slightly changed the stories in Ramayana to fit into modern times! I think my favorite change was using a little girl to distract “Sara” instead of an old man (which would be a little creepier) or the fact that “Rex” was the “local pimp” (which was hilarious). This story is well-written, and the only real suggestion I have is: to make your continuation more your own and get creative in how this story plays out. I can’t wait to read next week!
ReplyDeleteHeather I enjoyed the story. It seemed to follow the story very well but you did a great job of hiding Ravanna with in the newly told story. Just as a critique, I think some great opportunity exists when we wish to make characters, if Rex was the representative of Ravanna, I would have loved to have seen him as a horrible brute of a man, maybe charismatic, maybe some detail about how he dresses or that angry expression he constantly has on his face. Keep up the great work
ReplyDeleteHeather, first of all, I really like your blog’s design and layout! I tried out the WordPress option, and I invite you to check it out if you haven’t already seen it. Now about your story… At first, I was going to go ahead and read Week Three’s story, but I didn’t get too far before I realized I needed to start from the very beginning - I was so intrigued! I’ll have to keep coming back for more. I really enjoyed your writing style and your different take on it, especially with the different/modern names to match the modern storyline. I wonder, how did you come up with the names? Were they originally from people you already know and they relate to the Ramayan characters, or did you just randomly pick because of what sounded somewhat similar? Anyway, I really enjoyed the way you summarized the story in a modern way; however, I do think that adding more dialogue, perhaps, would help the flow of the story and for it to be more easily imagined and followable. Really great job!!!
ReplyDeleteHeather, this is one of my favorite stories I’ve read throughout this class. I thought you did an amazing job creating a modern storyline parallel to the Ramayana. I thought you did a great job adding personality to each of the characters through both the internal and spoken dialogue. I also thought your naming of each character seemed thought through. Each modern day name seemed to fit the personality of the character and I liked that you kept the first letter the same because it made it easier for me to understand what story you were retelling and who was who. After finishing your story I was left eager for more! Will the boys be able to find her and if so how will they avoid the same fate as Jason when the confront Rex for Sara? I thought your story was very well organized and I can’t wait you read the second part.
ReplyDeleteHi Heather,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the direction that your story took. Initially, I found myself thinking that the story felt very familiar; no wonder, it was from the Ramayana! I love that you used the idea of creating an alternate universe from the episodes within the Ramayana. I think that your story has a lot of potential, but I don’t think you’re letting it reach its full potential as well as you have the ability to. Obviously, you are very creative and have a knack for detail; the present-day setting was inspired, and the incarnation of the demon Ravana as a pimp on the streets of Chicago was inspired. I would encourage you to go through your story and find the most dramatic moments. Then, you could alter the language in the moments leading up to them in order to increase the suspense and preserve the shock-value of your most dramatic reveals.
Definitely take what advice you think is most helpful to you. We are all critiquing each other in the best ways we know how. I, personally, enjoy literature and the intent of language; that does not make me an expert. I do think, however, that your story has a lot of potential, and wanted there to be more suspense within it in order to do justice to the innovative details you provided. Keep it up!
I loved reading this story! I liked the inside that we got in Rory’s head. These thoughts are important to developing the story. I also love the parallels that were created to represent the Ramanyana. For example, that Rory’s wife was supposed to just stay at the park but left to go help the little girl and Rex abducted her. Just like Ravana abducted Sita when Rama went to go get her the gold deer. I also liked that this was such a modern story. Though it is sad, I feel like the scene in the park is very likely and could happen to anyone. Your story was a lot of fun to read, however I do believe that more suspense can be added. I think just be adding more suspenseful transition sentence would do great to this story. I do love the ending. I mean what will happen? Will they find her? Will they also get hurt? Great story! Cannot wait to read the second half!
ReplyDeleteHello Heather,
ReplyDeleteThis story is great. I enjoyed reading this story because of the way that you put it into modern day and a modern U.S. city. For me, it made it more relatable, even though the largest city I have ever lived in is Oklahoma City, I was able to relate with the story more because of the large city aspect of it. The way that you described everything that was happening was very intriguing; you followed the story line very well even if it was a little faster than the original. I believe that this is a great start to your portfolio, but the one thing that I think that you should add is a bit more dialogue and quotation marks. Making the characters talk more would be a good idea so that there is conversation and not just narrative. Other than that I believe you are off to a fantastic start. Great job!
Hi Heather,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story and found it very interesting. The setting of the park reminded me of NYC and all the details provided makes it unique. I do however think that if you give a quick introduction in the beginning, it will allow the reader to know the background of the original story, without having to read it. I like how you used paragraphs and each character is unique in their own form.
Hello Heather! I have read and really enjoy your story. At first when I read about Rory being kicked out and his siblings are in trouble, I was thinking what trouble has caused them to be kicked out? Then I realize, ohh, they are resembling Sita, Rama, and Laskhmana here! However, I am still curious what is the trouble that causes them to be kicked out, so maybe a little telling of that will be a nice touch added to the story. I like the fact that the relationship between the three characters is being sibling. Also, I think it will be better if you put the dialogues of each character in a separate paragraph. For example, putting the dialogues of both Darius and Rory together in the first paragraph might make the paragraph seems a bit confusing to read. Overall, your story is very interesting and I like the modern setting a lot. I also like how you use italic to present a character's inner thought. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. The fact that you left the plot to be continued really made me wanting more. I'm glad you continued it in another story in your portfolio. First thing is I was wondering about the history of Rory. Why was he getting kicked out in the first place? Maybe you could give us some insight on that in a revision. Also, I think a good idea of how to expand your plot is to give us more history about the characters. For example, how Rory and Sara got together. It doesn't have to be super long, I understand the story is about finding her. But it is just a thought for expanding the plot. Also, was the relationship with the father that bad for his Rory's brother to leave too? That could be another interesting topic to expand on. I really enjoyed the plot of this and how it was a chase to find the love of his life. The story really makes me want more. Good read!
ReplyDeleteHeather, I was really excited to read your story this week. You did a really good job of providing details and setting the scene for me. I was able to visualize the setting and the park that you described left me thinking about NYC. Anything that reminds me of NYC always makes me happy because it is one of my favorite places on earth. I liked that you used the name Rory because it reminds me of Gilmore Girls. Your story being left on a cliff hanger was an amazing way to really capture the readers. This makes us want to come back for more and see what is going to happen next. One suggestion that I have for you is to break up the dialogue into separate paragraphs. It makes the story look a little longer but also makes it look cleaner and helps the readers eyes to move through the story more quickly. Overall you wrote a story that was super captivating and extremely interesting to read. Great job!
ReplyDelete